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Whoopsie Gruntfuttock’s Blog From the Bog

I've decided to pull on my controversial pants this month. So please fasten your seat belts, and let's get to it. I am talking here of the common or garden fart. It may be acceptable for squaddies to snigger about farting in a military barracks after lights out, but almost everywhere else, farting as a subject of conversation remains strictly taboo.
There’s something down there! What? More than you bargained for, that’s what. This week we drop down into the sewers to see what we can find. Quite a lot, as it turns out.
I was sitting in the throne room this morning meditating over what else busy people like you and me could do with ten minutes if we didn’t have to go to the toilet, and I came up with three suggestions that I really must share with you today!
As of today, a central pillar of statistics lies in ruins. The headline in the Chipping Sudbury Bugle said it all: ‘Law of Nature overturned as Uranus Wiper prove Infinite Monkey Theory False!’
I learned from my news feed this week of a tiger at large in Houston, Texas — roaming the streets like a quarter-tonne tabby cat, it was. I am regularly amazed by people's choice of exotic pets. I mean, where do they buy them? Surely there can't be any pet store with a tiger in the window, nestled between the dwarf rabbits and the Gerbils, with a '£500 (Or Nearest Offer)' sign round its neck.
Nor is the rhinoceros the only large animal likely to do you harm unless treated with respect. 
There is a war going on, in case you didn’t notice, inside us. It’s a millions-of-years-old conflict between clashing clans of bacteria.
There has never been a shortage of volunteers for scientific research; however it might appear out of left field.
Two news items caught my eye this week. A major online news outlet reported that surgeons recently removed a tiddlywink from the nose of a 45-year-old New Zealand woman. And one of the UK red tops told us the sorry tale of a bloke who got hammered and recklessly changed his name for a bet.
“If Climate Change is real…then why am I cold?”
How many times has this happened to you? You bought an item online; it comes in a box, wrapped in plastic. Inside the box is filled with either plastic bubble wrap or Styrofoam packing peanuts. The item is wrapped in a plastic bag, in a box of plastic, and has plastic and cardboard in the packaging that in the actual item.
Growing up, we are told that the three most important “r’s” reduce, reuse, and recycle.

Ok, if we are sincere, when I was growing up in the 80s it was more “Have you heard of a CD player? They are rad!” than the three “r’s”, but they are still important. And truth be told, when I was a kid, I was also told that I could be anything when I grew up and, yet here I sit in my 40s and NOT a flame-throwing lion taming astronaut.
It’s that time of year again. That yuletide season where we get to put up the lights, wrap the presents, check if we're Tier 1, 2, 3 or 4 and get socially-distant-merry-AF.
Is there anything sadder than a wet roll of toilet paper? Well, yes, we’re not toilet paper obsessed monsters. But there is something terribly sad about one.
It seems that there isn’t a week that goes by this year where there hasn’t been video on social media of people hoarding toilet paper.

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