Uranus Wiper has wiped its fair share of Great British bums over the years and thanks to the magnanimity of the Great British public and the combined might of their lower colons, we are number one when it comes to number twos. 🇬🇧🇬🇧
However, whilst diligently going about our patriotic wiping duties, we noticed lots of assteroids in the orbit of Uranus.
As model citizens, we probed a little deeper into Uranus (we know, we should have asked for your permission first) and discovered that about half the population of the UK carry these assteroids in their knickers at some stage in their lives.
This discovery didn't sit right with us because people with these assteroids were not sitting right at all.
Deep probe research conducted under double-gloved, operating theatre conditions in our research lab, a refurbished, twenty-foot shipping container at a secret location near Accrington Stanley, revealed that assteroids are known by a colourful variety of labels namely:
piles, hemmies, that problem, grapes of wrath 🍇, bum tortellinis, hemorrhoids, figs of St Fiacre, angry rectum etc.
No matter what you call them — they effectively wrecked rectums!
Something had to be done. And someone had to do it — us!
Our next steps were taken with divine inspiration from:
🙏St Fiacre, The Patron Saint of Haemorrhoid Sufferers, Gardeners and Taxi Drivers.
(Historians please note that green-fingered cabbies suffering from the Duke of Argyll’s, were especially looked after by St Fiacre..more about the holy man below).
We harvested beneficial natural extracts like witch hazel, agrimony, male fern and cynanchum atratum from our allotment, put them in a wood-based cellulose wipe impregnated by reverse osmosis with 99.99% pure water, packed it in a recyclable kraft bag, sprinkled the whole lot with magic dust and the result?
(Cue trumpet fanfare 🎺🎺🎺🎺) was...
Uranus Wiper Hemorrhoid Wipes
For the sake of brevity we have omitted many of the experimental details; lots of stuff happened in our lab, including the accidental creation of a new species of sardine.
Uranus Wiper Hemorrhoid Wipes are plant based, easily disperse in the toilet and contain clinically formulated ingredients which help wipe and sooth Uranus daily.
When used as feminine wipes, Uranus Wiper wet toilet wipes cleanse and cool without messing up the pH. And yes, ladies, we're talking about both bits of real estate. That’s two for one for your ones and twos.
With a well documented history in Mesopotamian, Indian and Chinese literature dating as far back as 1500BCE, piles are one of the best-described anus related conditions in the history of anus related conditions.
Suggested causes in the past included regularly riding the trains and wiping Ur Anus with a newspaper but none of these suggestions have been convincingly confirmed.
At one point in history, the recommended treatments, besides following a sensible way of life, was to appease the gods or to cast out the demon. It was also wise to protect oneself with amulets, and here various stones could be used as well as dried toads. During the Middle Ages, an integral part of the therapy included supplication to "patron" saints for possible divine intervention.
Enter St Fiacre......
Said to be the illegitimate son of a Scottish king, St Fiacre was raised in County Kilkenny at a Kilfearagh monastery. Known as the “patron saint of hemorrhoids”, St. Fiacre, was a seventh century Irish monk who suffered from hemorrhoids, sat on a hard rock and was miraculously cured of his illness. After that, the rock became known as St. Fiacre’s Rock. Some medieval doctors who believed in the tale would send their patients to sit on the famous rock for a few hours to cure themselves of the disease.
Could today’s hemorrhoid relief products like the hemorrhoid pillow, hemorrhoid cushion or donut pillow have evolved from the rock?
We celebrate you St Fiacre.