FREE DELIVERY IN THE UK
For our friends and customers within the UK, we offer free delivery on all orders over £25.
Our esteemed wiping customers in the Scottish Highlands & Islands, Northern Ireland and the Isle of Man also get free delivery for orders over £25.
For our UK Channel Islands or British Overseas Territories friends and customers, we tried to reason with the courier companies to provide you free shipping but they literally removed us from the WhatsApp group chat for pushing the issue a bit too hard.
So sorry, no free delivery yet for the UK Channel Islands or British Overseas Territories.
Uranus Wiper’s proprietary interplanetary algorithms will automatically calculate the final delivery costs for you before you checkout.
From time to time we may also offer free shipping as part of a seasonal or promotional event. The best way to hear about them is to subscribe to our mailing list ( go to the bottom of this page to subscribe).
FREE SHIPPING IN THE US
For friends and customers in the US, all orders over US$30 (before tax) qualify for free standard shipping within the US. At the moment, our fabulous 4 ply toilet paper is not available for sale in the United States.
FREE SHIPPING IN THE EU
For our friends and customers in Austria, Belgium, France, Germany, Ireland, Italy, Netherlands, Poland, Spain and Sweden, we offer free standard shipping on all orders over EUR25.
For our friends and customers in other EU countries, our interplanetary algorithms will automatically calculate the final delivery costs for you before you checkout.
Multiple items may incur a higher delivery charge at checkout.
Notes about our interplanetary algorithms for maths enthusiasts
In the spirit of openness fostered here at Uranus Wiper, we outline our delivery algorithm below, in its full splendour.
- <<Let the distance between the Uranus Wiper Super-hub and the customer’s loo =s in kilometres
- Let h = the height of the director in feet and inches
- Let it = the small change in the Finance Director’s trouser pockets at the time of shipment.
- Therefore, the shipping cost (SC) = s + h + it divided by the square root of Alphonsus’s National Insurance/Social Security number (Alphonsus runs the Uranus Wiper canteen kitchen).>>
We trust that’s clear.
Once payment has been processed we aim to ship all orders within two (2) working days of receipt.
We reserve the right as caring employers to achieve this by threatening our dispatch teams with the removal of one or more of their perks should they fail to ship on time.
Staff perks include:
- Free Haribo bumper packs on demand
- 24/7 access to the Uranus Wiper ‘dial a cuddle’ hotline for under-the-weather packers
- Tickets to Alton Towers or Disney World year-end bonus (subject to 2 ride maximum)
- Christmas hamper-ette containing 1 x party hat, ½ a Xmas pudding, and a large walnut
From when we ship your order, please allow around 2-3 working days for delivery.
For non-UK or non-US orders, delivery times will vary and we cannot guarantee a specific delivery timeline.
Working days for us are Monday to Friday (not including UK Bank / Public Holidays).
We sometimes experience delays with delivering our conversation-starting Uranus Wiper cartons to some of your front doors. We're tempted to lay the blame at Marmaduke and Ogden or Boris Johnson's doorsteps but that will literally be pushing it like Salt N' Pepa. It's the delivery drivers shortage again, unfortunately.
If your order is affected, be rest assured that we are doing all we can to stave off any scatological mishaps or brown trouser situations caused by running out of loo rolls or wipes.
Once an order has been placed, we aren’t able to change its contents or cancel– but we might be able to cancel it if you get in touch quickly at email@example.com
Be sure to include your order number (UrxxxxxxAnus), let us know what needs to happen, and we’ll try our darn best to help you out.
RETURNING URANUS WIPER
We have given this a lot of thought and this is the bottom line. Uranus Wiper ticks lots of "able" boxes such as:
However, one box it does not tick is the ReusABLE box (even during a toilet paper apocalypse) for obvious hygiene and sanitary reasons.
As a result of this, we generally will not accept returns or process refunds of toilet roll or wipes that have been opened or used.
We guarantee your Uranus Wiper will do exactly what it says on the box but if you don't like it, you may return any unused products in their original packaging within 14 days of the date of delivery.
Once we receive the returns, we will process your refund. Please note, you will be required to cover the postage cost of return.
Delivery costs are non-refundable so if you receive a refund, the cost of return delivery will be deducted from your refund.
Get in touch with us via firstname.lastname@example.org to start the returns process. When shipping, you should consider using a trackable shipping service.
We are also happy to replace your order within 48 hours of delivery if it arrives damaged. Kindly send us an email at email@example.com and we will take it from there.
Please contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org straight away if your order does not arrive when it should, as we may have to select a random Royal Mail or USPS, bury them up to their neck in the yard, pour treacle over their head and unleash the red ants.
Yes, we know this is harsh but excellent customer service comes at a price.
You should quote your order number and we will find out what happened to it and get it to you as quickly as we can.
Unfortunately, we cannot replace orders where the delivery address has been entered incorrectly by the person placing the order.