Errm no...That would be like emailing your ex about your current significant other's problems. Tell it to them. Come back to us when you’re ready for the real deal.

Some email providers inappropriately think our name and email address is bonkers and inappropriate so they may send emails from Uranus Wiper to your email spam, junk, or promotions folder. Take a look there or get in touch with us.

Are you still on the toilet waiting? Wow! Your legs have to be numb as heck by now! Well, you have time, since you can’t stand, to check your order confirmation email for the tracking number. Failing that, send us an email at rollwithus@uranuswiper.co.uk and we will help you….with your order. You’re going to have to learn to walk again all on your own.

We're a small UK business and we manufacture our bamboo toilet rolls in our factory in sunny Spain (pretty rare feat) . Tewkesbury isn’t known for its bamboo fields so our factory sources the bamboo pulp from sustainable bamboo farms in China. There, bamboo flourishes like a prize marrow in the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, untainted by chemical insecticides, pesticides or fertilisers.

Lol..Uranus may have its own interplanetary charm and as much as we'd love to tap into the bamboo resources of Uranus, we're sorry to burst your interstellar bubble. Our bamboo hails from earthly grounds, not the far reaches of Uranus. Rest assured, it's still out of this world in terms of quality!

Statistics, when kept away from politicians, can prove informative. Your average Joe uses roughly 60 sheets of toilet paper each day. That's about 8.756432 sheets per bathroom visit. Our rolls have 360 sheets per roll……actually scrap that. Instead just use this simple method to calculate how many boxes of Uranus Wiper toilet rolls you'll all need for the year.  

1. Gather all the empty toilet paper rolls in a bag for a week. It's like creating a quirky, cardboard collection!

2. Once the week's up, count the rolls in the bag like a bathroom detective on a mission.

3. Don't forget to include half a roll for every roll hanging in your bathrooms – they deserve recognition too!

4. Now, do some mathematical magic and multiply this grand total by 52 weeks – ta-da! 

Good luck with finding a flood or disaster proof location to store your Uranus Wiper stockpile. 

How messed up? Like someone ELSE used it for its intended purpose and then gave it to you? Did you do something to offend the delivery driver? We would suggest getting them a gift or at least sending a “Thank You” card for all the deliveries that they did make that weren’t covered in….well, you know. Then you can email us and we’ll sort it out for you.

Yes of course. We use the latest encryption software to ensure your details are safe and transactions are secure.

Note that Uranus Wiper DOES NOTaccept the following payment methods:

Bus passes, library membership cards, V-Bucks, luncheon vouchers, laundered Monopoly money, seashells, unicorn tears, fairy dust, love letters, Tooth fairy currency, Leprechaun gold, Mermaid scales, Troll tolls, Rainbows in a jar, Dreams come true coupons or secret handshakes.

Look, we don’t know if there is a scientific name for it but it did involve some sushi purchased from a petrol station that had been sitting at room temperature for two days.

We could, or you could just go listen to the voice mail we left on your next-door neighbours answering machine. It was our finest work. It included choice words like compost, humus, silt, pumice and gravels.

Misinformation Alert ⚠️: We're very certain that this “fact” is full of s….well…something you’d use our toilet rolls for.