As a former Sgt Major in the Seaforth Highlanders, Torquila is well used to giving orders, such as ‘appear on parade with grubby boots again, Corporal Simpkin, and you’ll be paring spuds with a nail-file until doomsday.’ Force marches herself to work every morning from Scunthorpe (but takes the bus home). A lady with a mission. And that mission is to fulfil your order.

Part of the former Music Hall act, Dandridge and Judd, Marmaduke and Ogden used to pack’em in at Chipping Sodbury repertory theatre back in the fifties. Now they’re quite content to pack eco-friendly toilet rolls for Uranus Wiper after watching Sir David Attenborough’s Blue Planet II on their virtual reality headsets.

Smiler is your classic ‘glass half full’ type, though in his case the glass is usually half-full of Glenfiddich. You could give him a Glasgow kiss on the nose and he’d still see the funny side. The ideal fellow for spreading Uranus Wiper’s good news, of which there is a daily supply.

The Gruntfuttock twins both have university degrees in updatery from the Internet University of Moose Jaw Saskatchewan (1938). There are few updates that these gals can’t … well, update. If it hasn’t been updated and it needs to be, they’ll do it double quick.

Once these lot cancel an order it stays cancelled. Full squad consists of Oluwasindaraayofunmi Brewer (Dara), Jan Stewer, Peter Gurney, Peter Davy, Dan’l Whiddon, Justin Liu, Old Uncle Tom Cobley and Big Ben (subject to availability). The team can usually be found — for autographs and the like — by Friday soon or Saturday noon. All along, down along, out along lee.

Vladimir’s grandfather escaped from St. Petersburg (Prison) in 1914 where he was serving life for impersonating the Czar. Fine grandson, Vladimir, following in Grandad’s Cossack boots, was still impersonating the czar when he filled in an application form for a job with Uranus Wiper. We took pity on him and installed him as Refund Czar. If you are entitled to a refund, Vladimir’ll see you get it.

Anj is a born worrier. Global warming, sea-level rises, extinction of the Three-Banded Mountain Goat, The Rolling Stones making another comeback. These are but a few of the future fears weighing Anj down at the moment. This made her ideal for the post of Fretter-in-Chief for Uranus Wiper.

Former ‘Curtain-Twitcher’ of the year (Midlands division) 1978-1983, there isn’t much that Doris can’t clap her eyes on. Or jump to the wrong conclusions about. She watches over and counts your order and Uranus Wiper inventory better than most and for longer than many.